Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
