Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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