I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
