it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
