I accidentally burped into my bong.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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