One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
