mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
