I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
