if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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