Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
