The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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