Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
