He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
