I heard we made out
yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
