Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
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