Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
