Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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