I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
