there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
