listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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