i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
