I don't usually arrange sex via text message
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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