I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
