i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
