Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
