It's Friday. Sex?
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
