Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
This is the high leading the old right now
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
