i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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