I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
