you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
