It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
