Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize