I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
