You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
