Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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