Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
