i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
