I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
