Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
