every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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