Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
