WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
