Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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