it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
