I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
