I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
