Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
