My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
