come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
