I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
She's the barista slut.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
